I hate your face
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
