i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
