can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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