i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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