im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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