I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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