someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
