Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
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Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
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I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?