My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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