Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
