saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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