You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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