Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
