Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
