I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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