You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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