fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
