I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
