I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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