so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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