Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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