Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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