We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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