i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
