Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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