the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
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if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you