it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
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Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
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Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...