On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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