I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
