Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
