I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
