You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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