is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
