i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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