her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
