my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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