I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
