you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
