I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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