I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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