So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
