Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
