You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
