So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
