Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
