I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
