home. puking in laundry basket.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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