She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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