don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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