God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
