I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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