Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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