I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
