I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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