So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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