there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize