Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
