She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
