there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
